Musings of Me

The Stench of Indecision

When one is told by society to enjoy the simple pleasures in life, I am not sure they had a personality like mine in mind.

In many respects, I am traditional with my appreciation of those small moments; I like to smell flowers, I appreciate sunshine, and evidence of a thoughtful or kind act makes me happy. Witnessing acts of selflessness or uncovering a bit more evidence of human goodness makes me smile.

On the other hand, I am developing a dark side to my simple pleasures. I am not certain when this undercurrent began to show, but I just had a moment of clarity sitting here at my reception desk.

Waiting for the phone to ring between flipping through the latest Avon catalog and browsing Reality TV openings on the web, I discovered a free sample of Avon perfume. A normal person would have either ignored it or opened it to test its appeal. What did I do? I held it in my hot little hand and began to daydream.

The sight of perfume immediately brought to mind DHL Delivery Guy. Now, it is NOT what you think. I am not going to smear this stuff all over myself and attempt to ensnare DHL Delivery Guy. No, my thoughts progressed down a completely different route: I could use it to neutralize DHL Delivery Guy, and free myself from the bonds he places on my daily well-being.

You see, DHL Delivery Guy is two weeks new to his route. Everyone knows this, because we can SMELL him. Given his highly aromatic state, my coworkers and I have developed a moderately complex, scent-based ‘Doppler’ system. We can map his travels through the building and the length of time he spends in a particular location by the level of stink.

The man wears entirely too much cologne.

Actually, I am not certain what it is, or even if it is cologne. Two ventured guesses by my coworkers have been Old Spice, and a particularly potent oil used to mask the smell of marijuana. My best attempt to verbalize it is to describe it as spicy carrion that makes one want to scratch his eyes out, as they are burning from the vapors. I never gagged in anatomy lab, but I do get sick from this stench.

Regardless of his attempts to cover for a) his lack of bathing, b) usage of illicit compounds, or c) a severely depreciated sense of smell, DHL Delivery Guy fails miserably by attracting far more attention to himself than he was trying to avoid.

I regret not addressing this issue earlier. Because I thought he was a temporary delivery man, I initially tolerated the powerful scent. I could have politely mentioned something, or faked an allergic reaction, but two weeks out may be too late for retroactive maneuvering. I lack the tact to now politely mention something which may cause embarrassment, although not mentioning it may cause more.

This leads me back to my current line of thought, as I am still caressing this little sample packet, considering …other options. I derive far too much pleasure from entertaining tactics I would never actually employ.

One of my favorite scenarios is to set my high-powered fan towards the door with the sample attached to it. If the floral headiness does not result in a swift retreat, it may very well cause a clash of stinks where the flowery smell may win –a moderate improvement. However, one cannot subtly tape a paper sample to a fan and inconspicuously aim it towards the door.

Another idea is to hand him the sample and to ask him what he thinks of Avon’s new romantic scent. Holding it for .75 seconds may relieve the stench as some of the fragrance latches to his fingertips. However, if this backfires, which it would, he may think I was coming on to him. Plan number three is to royally immerse myself in sample, and then pray I would not pass out.

Methods aside, the results would end with the same triumph. Ideally, DHL Delivery Guy would deposit his delivery, smell something MUCH better than himself, and be inspired to go douse himself in rubbing alcohol, tomato juice, or formaldehyde to change his erring ways. In gratitude, my coworkers would sing me praises and we would then use petty cash to buy lunch.

Given the joy I find in simple things, including the intangible aspect of private thought, I believe I am appreciative of all life’s possibilities. Even when motive is less than admirable.

But, seriously, if anyone has ideas to help stop the smell, I am listening.

posted by Jill @ 4:49 PM