Musings of Me

Domestic Bliss

I am not a domestic goddess.

In fact, my lack of the feminine arts (in any category) is legendary.

I feel more at home mucking out a barn than while attempting to clean the living room. My bedroom, when I attempt to clean, is usually approached with the same battle weapons I apply in the barn: a pitchfork and a wheelbarrow. I have never really operated a washing machine until college, and even then I took as long as humanly possible between washes (not just because I was busy, but because I had to wait for my roommate to leave so I could deck the pitchfork and wheelbarrow to find my quarters to pay).

Those little household tricks my mother was supposed to impart upon her daughters for gleaming tables, immaculate curtains, etc. etc. missed all of us. The ones I did pick up (read outdoorsy tricks) have not served me well living alone (I really have no need to borrow my twin’s toothbrush and toothpaste to clean saddle silver here in Metro Atlanta. In retrospect I shouldn’t have put it back on her shelf, but I was ten, and somewhat vindictive about how she got to ride Shamu at Sea World and I did not).

The ensuing emergency phone calls home are usually of me in distress, with my mother likely wondering what she did wrong on the other end. Mother is good with everything. It is entirely unfair.

In my defense I have improved. Courtesy of my outdoorsy youth and living in the MTU dorms, I am not afraid of getting dirty. This is excellent, in that a cardinal rule of cleaning is “Something shall not become cleansed unless something else becomes dirty.”

I have finally picked up some tricks (courtesy of Mom, Heloise Helpline in Good Housekeeping magazine –no sniggering, thank you much- and Grandma).

It is a sad day when I finally run to Grams. I love her dearly, but nuclear power plants do not have high enough sanitation standards for my grandmother. This woman said my twin and I were unfit to live alone because we had no clue what a ‘dustbuster’ was (although we know the intricacies of shop vacs) and insists there is only one proper place to store properly folded towels (another topic in which my twin and I are deemed unfit).

Said Grandma is so organized, her furniture even has labels on it indicating who inherits what upon her death (this is rather creepy). And unlike my mother and I with our car troubles, Grandma has a photo album devoted to every single car she and my grandfather have ever owned (certainly creepy).

I have already commented on my KIA, and my mother’s van with the corn in the engine.

The Sum of My Domestic Know-How will now be imparted upon you lucky readers (don’t worry, it is rather short):

General Household:
1. If you have never had a dishwasher when younger, but did it all by hand, these machines are spectacular. Remember to load them so nothing breaks, and use the correct detergent (if you use the wrong detergent, you will find yourself mopping the floor). Other than the soap and no-break rule, easy as pie.
2. Pledge really is wood’s best friend. Use a soft cloth, not paper towel.
3. Change the vacuum bag (I once had a vacuum burst into flames on me, but that was entirely electrical)
4. Digital gas-ovens rock. ‘Cancel’ is the stop button.
5. Vinegar does something good. I forgot what that may be, but I know it is good.
6. Seal all sugar, honey, and dry goods in sealable, dry containers.
7. Store the trash OUTSIDE
8. Clean the bathrooms weekly. Otherwise, it they will be really hard to clean, and nasty.
9. Baking soda is excellent for deodorizing the refrigerator, shoes, and anything else (save the cat).
10. Lemon rinds/orange rinds will keep the sink from stinking to high hell
11. You CAN bargain with the plumber, especially if you are his last customer and he only reports he gave you a quote.

Lawn Care:
1. Cut no more than 1/3 of the blade length, or you will kill your lawn
2. Water early morning/late evening, otherwise the lawn will get diseased (midday wastes water)
3. Always mow straight up and down on a sloped lawn, so you don’t kill yourself (one of my Cross Country mentors cut his toe off)
4. Raking leaves actually helps the lawn, in addition to making a nice pile to play in.
5. Whether sitting your ass on a lawn chair, launching water balloons at the neighbors (gods, this is fun), or making a snowman, it is your lawn. Enjoy.

Cooking:
1. Butternut Squash makes an excellent soup. Sautee onions in a pot, then add mutilated pieces of squash. Add water, and boil. Mash later, and add milk. This is a creamy soup, and good with crusty bread. (It is kind of sweet)
2. Buy meats in bulk, but cut and freeze them separately in amounts you use to cook. This will save you grief, and your neighbors from watching you hurl choice cuts to the pavement in an attempt to break them apart.
3. Use fresh veggies when possible. They are cheaper, and better for you.
4. You CAN fry everything in one pan. Start with the meat, add the vegetables a bit later…. (all-in-one-pan cooking is popular and easy)
5. Never underestimate the power of cereals and soups, or of dishes that freeze well.

I’ll tackle any other problems as they come along. I just hope none of those happen to be plumbing again.

posted by Jill @ 10:51 PM