Musings of Me

Starbucks

I have undergone many trials and experienced many new occurrences since having graduated from college and moving down to Atlanta from rural Michigan. I have survived rush hour. I have gone to famous places, seen celebrities up close, learned how to live with an indoor dog (who has higher status in the house than I), developed a resume that makes my lack of experience, skill, or knowledge seem attractive, and met a real live beggar (he was nice). All of these new experiences pale in comparison to the greatest trial I have ever encountered in my self-styled boring life; surviving Starbucks.

Starbucks is an immensely large, powerful corporation whose reach is incredible to fathom. It has been mentioned on CNN, Britney Spears has lattes flown to her from a specific shop in L.A., and Lewis Black has even featured it in his stand-up comedy routine. His assertion that the end of the universe is in Houston, Texas because there are Starbucks across the street from each other is pretty damn funny.

I always laughed at the Starbucks phenomenon. I hate coffee. I hate high prices, and I hate people who think walking around with a designer label makes them look cool (you need to be cool before you put them on to successfully pull it off). In any case, because of a free coupon (and a sewage problem), I found myself in one of these places.

The inside reminds you of an old bookstore/cafe. There are cushy chairs, mahogany tables, and oldish-looking stuff. I didn't take the time to notice this at first, as I sprinted into the restroom. (Sister's plumbing began backing up when I decided to be helpful and do her laundry. Because of a root problem, let’s just say my attempt to be helpful set me back in my attempts to be an unobtrusive guest). Once I emerged, I decided to actually use my coupon.

The overly chipper (obviously caffeine-afflicted) woman behind the counter kept chattering at me about what I should order, and how confused I looked, and what was I interested in, and did I want to try the coffee of the day, and did I want a cookie with that, and what size would I want, and was it take away or no. Yeah. I know.

Finally I stammered that I had this coupon, for buy one get one free, and could I please use it to buy the first one, and get a voucher for later, because I couldn't possibly finish a second one, let alone with a cookie, even if dining in. She said no.

To this I remarked that coupons are marketing tactics to get customers lured into the door instead of a competitor's. I explained that I would rather not walk across the street to Caribou Coffee where they would honor the Starbucks coupon, happy to steal the patronage of such a highly reputed establishment. It would be unfortunate for the clever marketing strategy Starbucks employed to benefit another corporation, and also nowhere in the fine print did it specify acquiring both beverages at once. To deny such is fraud.

In the end, we reached a compromise. I got a free sample, no cookie. The people in line behind me did not offer to kill me to move the line along. Their twitching movements were beginning to scare me, anyway (there was this woman, obviously a regular, giving my chattery server moral support). -Perhaps I was a little grumpy, but if you spent three sweltering days in Georgia without plumbing, you would find yourself grumpy, too. That, armed with the knowledge of what you must do once the plumbing is fixed, is enough to make anybody extremely grumpy.

In a court of law, six people could testify I threw a creamer at myself from five feet away, and as I would be the only dissident it could bode ill in the trial.

This is where I realized how effective Starbucks marketing policy really is. Not only did they get me in the door and deny me my free beverage, the bastards found a way to addict members of the population who HATE COFFEE and who don't consume much caffeine. They added CHOCOLATE to their drinks.

Son of a bitch.

Yes, there is coffee in my java chip frappucchino. Yes, it contains caffeine. But what sucks is that is tastes damn good, and that a small cost me $4. AND NOW I AM BEGINNING TO CRAVE. As if fighting off the chocolate Achilles heel was difficult enough, now I may have to actually struggle against caffeine, a chemical where there are physical side effects from withdrawal.

Suddenly, the cashier is not so annoying, or rapid-fire. Suddenly, I find myself comfortable in my new environment. Suddenly, the plastic cup in my hand doesn't appear so foreign. And suddenly, I think I found where the inspiration to produce the Stepford Wives movie came from.

Think about it; although the novel the movie is based on is from the '60's, the premise is similar. A woman enters a new environment and finds that all the women are being replaced with robots/clones/whatever. In the real world, real people are being replaced by coffee guzzling psycho-drivers with SUV's. AND EVERYONE THINKS SOMETHING IS WRONG, BUT CAN'T QUITE FIGURE OUT WHAT! -Seriously, addiction to Starbucks may be outpacing addiction to tobacco or alcohol. I would worry if I were in either of those industries.

Think about it: If they combine the patch with a latte, how much more success will those trying to quit smoking achieve? If you enjoy coffee-flavored liquor, say goodbye to beer. The world is changing, my friend.

If I ever go camping and end up with iced lattes instead of having a cooler filled with beer and pop, I will abandon my fellow campers and hitchhike home. Considering hitchhiking would be how I got there -as my car is destined to die during rush hour- this would not be too much of a problem.

I lift my latte in salute to Atlanta.

posted by Jill @ 10:22 PM