Musings of Me

My Life as a Fairy Tale

I have a very special relationship with the office accountant, Jane: She makes me do her work.

While not one to usually bitch about the intricacies of office politics that make circumstances such as this acceptable (if observing the proper forms), every now and then something happens which makes me wonder why she hates me. And, which in turn, goads my ire enough to cause me to whine.

Not that I am against venting, I count it among my few unmarketable skills.

Today's Jane-given task was on par with detention in high school. For no intelligible reason, I was singled out to be punished by performing some inane chore. Like being punished in high school, the work is so pathetic, you know you are being punished because it is so useless you can't trick yourself into believing you are being productive. (Come to think of it, there was a college course like this, too. I call it Institutions. Others call it World Cultures, or Physics II)

This leads me back to my task at hand: to sort through a ream of paper, and remove two separate documents the printer happened to interprint (I simply KNOW the IT guy hates me). In addition, I had to separate each document into three categories.

I remember looking at Jane with wide eyes, and before I could stop myself, blurted "Why do you hate me?"

She laughed. Perhaps she thought it was a joke.

Regaining some composure, I continued "Is there any way we can simply reprint them?" (we waste reams of paper daily). She smiled. "No. Paul (the IT guy) says we cannot." She smiled again. "I'll be back for these, later."

Judging from the tone of voice, 15 minutes.

I can't help but compare my trials with the useless documents (destined to be tossed after I sort them) to a fairy tale I once read. Actually, it is Greek Mythology. This would be the tale of Cupid and Psyche.

To make a long story short, Cupid (the god of Love) married Psyche, a mortal (who came to his attention when his mother, Aphrodite, got pissed because the masses were saying Psyche was prettier than she was. This type of conflict always ends badly, go read Arachne and Athena's story if you think otherwise).

Cupid agreed she was hot, so he married her in secret. She had NO idea who he was, because he was invisible, and she was never allowed to see him. All the servants were invisible too, but he was disgustingly rich... yeah. Right. I guess she was fine with it (It is all greek to me).

One day her sisters visited and were jealous. They convinced her Cupid was a demon, and she should kill him. So Psyche was going to... but then she saw he was hot, and accidentally wounded him instead. He, of course, was mad. Not to mention he whined to Mommy, who appears to be the Mother-in-law from Mt. Olympus. I'd say they are in for counseling.

Regardless, Psyche had to do many things to prove her love.... I forgot most of them, but they were on par with my work. I remember because one of them was to sift grains of wheat from barley (about 3 bushels?) in an hour. She got lucky. Apparently her servants never used ant-killer, and the colonies were grateful.

So, unlike this happy tale of a relationship gone sour (but she did end up a full goddess, so she must have been really hot), I will see no rewards for my trouble. Unlike this story, I have 15 minutes instead of an hour, and no ants. (which, if there were ants, would see to another task for me, I am sure)

While on the fairy tales topic... I know many young adult books start with some ordinary girl being whisked into some fairy-tale like setting (as do some cheap romance novels... I got obscenely bored one summer. While completely lacking content, these books were full of heroines too-stupid-to-live. Very disturbing). I can't help but think If I were 'whisked away' what would happen. Here is what I came up with:

Red Riding Hood: I end up with a fur coat. This isn't Isle Royale... so what?

Cinderella: If Charming can't outrun me, and I am in one glass shoe and a party dress, perhaps the Tavern scene is decent.

Sleeping Beauty: Finally!! a heroine I can RELATE to!! Odds are 3:1 I punch the idiot who woke me up. Did he brush his teeth? OH GOD, My breath must be hideous!! The early-relationship gaffe.

Beauty and the Beast: I doubt my personality could bring about such a dramatic change in someone. Not for the better, at any rate. But at least I'd get a rose out of the deal (what can I say, I am a sucker for flowers).

Snow White: My mother is wonderful, therefore I have no idea how to deal with a motherly figure who isn't. However, if someone wants to kill me (I guess I can concede there may be a few) and ACTS on it, then I count that person as an enemy and I will take steps of my own. Including but not limited to asking directions to the next Kingdom from 7 little dwarves, or cultivating some poisoned pears. Who wouldn't trust me with a pear?

Goldilocks & the Three Bears: I'm a brunette. I also don't break and enter, or trash houses other than my own. However, I have also never tasted bear, but have just found the perfect opportunity. (I guess bear meat is riddled with parasites, so it will have to be a well-done opportunity)

The Pied Piper: I would convince him he needs an agent, and then have him simultaneously scheduled for 'Medieval Idol' and pest removal gigs. After fame and fortune grind him down and he becomes bitterly psychotic, I get a reward for informing the town of his plans to kidnap all the children. Not a completely heartless worm, I will use part of his earnings to find him a psychiatrist.

The Gingerbread Man: After that chase, yes, I feel justified in biting his head off. The fox better leave me the top half so I can do just that. If not, I can use a bow and that fox better run.

Bremen Town Musicians: I cannot sing. I fake my dancing. I have found my niche.

The Old Woman who Lived in a Shoe: If, by old, they mean over age 10, then yes. If not, my cake candles burn the shoe down, and my wards and I work to build an actual house (between scheduled classroom lessons and OSHA standards of child labor). When they hit their teens, I call the fully-recovered Pied Piper as soon as I have a mental breakdown of my own.

The three Little Pigs: MMM. Ham AND a fur coat. I am doing well. (Not that I actually would ever wear fur)

Lord of the Rings: I will sit my butt on Tom Bombadill's land and REFUSE TO LEAVE until the ring has been completely and utterly destroyed in Mt. Doom. I refuse to be eaten by an Orc. (Somehow, I just know I would die immediately and in a painful way).

-It is funny how wild my imagination runs, because my next thought was that my friend, Em (applied ecology major) was going to be chilling with the Ents, and that I would be jealous. I can totally see her helping them with a leaf rot problem.

And while my life may not be a fairy tale... for that I am grateful.

posted by Jill @ 7:21 PM