Musings of Me

Soap Operas, Wet Willies, Scented Lotion, and Cat

Did you know that while the rest of the world is out working, going to class, or playing Hookie, others are watching or recording Days of Our Lives and Passions? In salute to this segment of society, I have decided that today’s little rant will be in Soap Opera form. (Okay, so I watched one or two episodes while avoiding relatives over Christmas and have sort of been sucked into the warped lives of these people. I will never watch again, I swear!)

In the defense of Passions, I did get to see a woman stabbed in the back with a scalpel by another woman in the hospital while fighting over a baby, all occurring during her doctor’s being poisoned by her fiance’s wife, who, as it happens, messed up and poisoned the Doctor’s sister? The sister is engaged to the Doctor’s ex-husband, with whom she separated after finding that the son she and her current fiancé gave up for adoption years ago was engaged to her other daughter, making their grandchild inbred.

Who knew Daytime TV was grittier than prime time?

May it be noted that my little Soap Spoof is extremely corny and written in the smutty style of Daytime TV. I figure if Daytime TV shows can air for over 20 years, there is something to be said for complete trash. That and I want to try something new.

~TEASER~
Ten days ago our heroine met a guy online.
Six days ago she met him in person.
He is now sleeping in her bed, eating her food, and in short, being a mooch.

Has it been mentioned that he whines when the heroine goes out with friends, yet he feels completely justified in abandoning her and snuggling up to other women?

She told him how she was feeling hurt by his betrayal. He purred that he loved only her. Will she forgive him?...
~END TEASER~

The Chronicles of Cat, Episode One “The Whirlwind Romance”

{It was a chilly, 45 degree Atlanta night as the extremely beautiful, wise, and witty heroine surfed the internet in search of love. As she browsed pages and pages of photographs and profiles, one gentleman finally caught her eye. “Oh, bless my heart! Are you not the SWEETEST little southern gentleman I have ever set my eyes upon!” She cooed as she put her hand to her face ere she faint.

The profile on the screen was short, yet pointed. It read: “Top Cat. Only male in litter of four. Loves to climb, play, and is extremely personable. Even if you hate cats, he is simply nice to look at. Loves to purr.” The photograph next to the ad was of an orange tabby, looking rather grumpy while squeezed in the loving grasp of a shelter employee.

Passion in her heart, and on her high-horse of do-goodness, the heroine went the very next day to the shelter with her supporting cast of ‘I want to play with the puppies’ sister and annoyed ‘I cannot believe I was roped into driving’ brother-in-law.

There, across the loud and bustling room, over the distinct smell of Frontline flea and tick shampoo, did the happy couple meet. In fact, such was Top Cat’s joy at the prospect of being outside his cage, that he gallantly batted at his sisters through the grill before plotting how to open the Iams bag. Yes, it was love.

Their first day together, the pair began to discuss the line of demarcation between proper and improper behavior. To Cat’s distinct displeasure, this meant to not eat Heroine’s hair. It also means not sleeping on her head, nor giving her the mother of all wet willies when she finally fell asleep. In fact, it was with extreme displeasure that Cat found himself flying towards the armchair amid shrieks after (what was in his mind) a little friendly bathing of Heroine’s smelly ear.

In return for letting Heroine sleep unfettered, Cat earned the pleasure of not being tossed around like a feline comet. A further compromise was reached concerning sleeping arrangements, once Heroine realized Cat did indeed have a keen sense of smell. As long as Cat is respectful, Heroine will not wear the smelliest lotion she can find to bed.

This realization came to pass when Cat landed on an Avon catalog after a particularly satisfying gnaw of hair. Watching the slightly dazed Cat (who, it appears, finds the launchings quite fun) Heroine had a flashback to a shady character only known as ‘DHL Guy.’ Harnessing the power of smell in her favor, Heroine immediately grabbed the most potent Bath & Body Works products she could find.}

Next episode…. Will Cat and Heroine live happily for another week? Or will scented lotion spell doom for the couple? Stay tuned!! (In reality, this would be over 3 episodes, and soon the introduction of a jealous Chihuahua would spice everything up quite nicely).

Perhaps I should stick with standard prose.

posted by Jill @ 1:59 PM